The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
The beer is more important than you right now.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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