just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
