Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
