Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
