We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
