Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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