A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
