he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
