My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
