I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
