I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
