you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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