Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
