I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
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