How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
