Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
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