My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
