I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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