I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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