Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
