When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
