Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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