i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
