She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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