Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
