If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
