So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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