I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
