i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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