Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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