It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Randomize
