Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
