Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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