Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
