If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
