i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
