i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
