just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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