i don't like sucking hair
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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