It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
