so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
