I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
