Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
