After last night, I could never be a politician.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
