I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
