For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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