remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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