Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
