Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
