my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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