She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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