Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
