i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
