my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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