I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
