Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
