Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Randomize
