U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
