Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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