You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
