I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
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Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
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I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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