I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
