You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
