Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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