I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
