I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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