Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
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Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
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Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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